How to deal with relationship anxiety

Relationship anxiety is very destructive, as you know. If you don't learn how to get rid of anxiety in your relationship, it leads into a very devastating downward spiral:

• Suspiciousness
• Worrying about your partner not loving you, or not caring as much as you do
• Thoughts of them being unfaithful

Many more self-destructive thoughts and emotions. And of course, all of these will fuel your relationship anxiety. In order to learn how to get rid of anxiety in your relationship, take the following steps:

Ask your partner for reassurance. When you find yourself becoming suspicious in your relationship, try to remember that it is probably being fueled by your anxiety. You may be able to get some relief from your relationship anxiety by asking your partner for occasional reassurance. They will be happy to give this if they are patient and understanding of your anxiety. This kind of support may well be very helpful to you.

Ask a trusted friend who is prepared to give you an honest answer if there might be some real reason for you to feel this way. But even when you get that real information, it may not help alleviate your relationship anxiety. You will have to work on that yourself. Perhaps your worry is that you feel that you are too “needy” in your relationship. For instance, do you need constant reassurance and want your partner to regularly prove that things are really okay? This will inevitably put pressure on you and your partner and will add to the relationship anxiety.

I got married when I was 19 years old and discovered after about six months that I had made a terrible mistake. I was under a lot of pressure from my parents to stay in the marriage as it was not 'the done thing' to separate or divorce. In their opinion, I was far too young to know what I was doing. I believed them as I knew nothing different and so tried to make the marriage work.

Inevitably the pressure of trying to make it work instead of figuring out how to get rid of anxiety in my relationship made me very unhappy and anxious indeed. I stuck at it until I couldn’t take it any longer and I made the decision to leave, take the children, and strike out on my own. That was the right decision for me, and the anxiety was lifted almost as if a huge weight had been taken off my shoulders.

If any of this is resonating with you, then you will need to find ways to cope with your anxiety and learn to rely more on yourself for feeling better – taking the pressure off your partner. This will allow you to become more self-sufficient, even in your anxiety. Give yourself permission to reassure yourself instead of turning to your partner for comfort each time you are anxious. Find ways to learn to think more positively. Try being grateful for what you have.

When you are anxious you can create all kinds of ideas in your imagination that appear so intolerable that you feel compelled to take impulsive and totally misguided actions. You will find yourself:

• Jumping to conclusions
• Making decisions that are destined to fail
• Behaving in a totally childish manner, sulking and demanding attention.

Look for solutions that will relieve your relationship anxiety and won’t result in increasing your problems further. When you are anxious your partner will be anxious too. It becomes a vicious circle and the anxiety is fed constantly.

Learning to trust your intuition is an important part of reducing your anxiety. So, slow down, think through anything you are considering doing and follow your intuition. Make the effort to stop listening to that nagging voice that is telling you something is wrong. It is very likely when you slow down and think rationally that you will find a much better solution for you and your relationship. In this way, you can successfully get rid of anxiety in your relationship.


Maggie Currie
Creedence – The real women’s divorce coach

Website:       http://www.creedencetraining.co.uk

Email:           info@creedencetraining.co.uk

Facebook:    https://www.facebook.com/therealwomensdivorcecoach?ref=hl

 Twitter:        https://twitter.com/MaggieCurrie

Why do women stay in abusive relationships?

There are many, many reasons why women don’t leave an abusive relationship.  I believe that most of the reasons stem from fear.

Most of the fears are understandable, but often irrational.  For instance, fear of having no money if they leave.  Because women are generally at home looking after the children, they don’t have any income of their own.  The fear of financial ruin builds in the mind until it becomes ‘I can’t survive if I leave’. And so they stay.

Fear of what other people might think.  There is often a social stigma that labels women as failures if they dare to leave their partners.  Usually nobody outside the home realises what is going on which adds to that stigma.  This leads to feelings of insecurity. And so they stay.

Fear of what might happen to them at the hand of their partner if they did leave.  Often women believe that their partner will come after them and kill them and/or their children. The threats are made to them over and over again, until they are ingrained in their mind.  And so they stay.

Women often fear that they are the reason that they are abused.  That it is their fault. And if they were to change their ways their abusive partner would be different.  A false supposition.  And so they stay.

I know how difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship.  I was verbally and emotionally abused by my first husband. He would belittle me in front of the children and other people, always tell me that I knew nothing, that I was of no use and he would do anything to stop me succeeding at anything.  Add to that the fact that my parents believed that I should make the marriage work because I was too young, in their opinion, to know what I was doing, I was financially dependent. And so I stayed.  I stayed 12 years.

I did, eventually, find the courage to leave and take the children with me and started a new life in a different town.  The feeling of relief was immense.  Although I was threatened with all sorts of things, such as having the children removed, losing my flat etc., I discovered that the threats were empty.  And this is probably true of most abusers.  They are cowards and when someone actually stands up to them, they generally back off.

There are ways out of this horrendous situation.  There are women’s refuges who will help you so that you can get yourself out of the abusive home.  Once you are out and can think about what options there are for you, there are life coaches who can help you see yourself as you, the real person, and not a punch bag.

If I had known about life coaching back then I would have been the very first client.

There is no reason good enough to actually justify staying in an abusive relationship.



Maggie Currie
Creedence – The real women’s divorce coach

Website:       http://www.creedencetraining.co.uk

Email:           info@creedencetraining.co.uk

Facebook:    https://www.facebook.com/therealwomensdivorcecoach?ref=hl

 Twitter:        https://twitter.com/MaggieCurrie

Dealing with emotional abuse

I discovered that emotional abuse came from several directions.  It came from my first husband who, for years, told me that I was not clever, no use at ironing his shirts, not like his mother, not good enough to be part of his family..... and so on, and on he went.

It also came from my parents who encouraged me to stay with my first husband even though I was plainly unhappy and the marriage wasn’t working. I was told that I was far too young to know my own mind and that divorce was out of the question.

My parents-in-law agreed with my husband that I wasn’t good enough for their family and therefore I should learn how to be a good wife and do everything that I was told to do by my husband.

I dealt with this in the only way that I knew how at the time. I kept my head down, did as I was told and just plodded on through life.  I was unhappy and I couldn’t see any end to the misery that I was enduring.

I did, however, find a way out in the end. I was more and more unhappy, the marriage was just not working. My husband was diagnosed as being schizophrenic but he would not accept this.  He refused to be treated in any way and accused me of being the instigator of his supposed illness.  He was unreasonable and unpredictable and became obsessed with the idea that I was having an affair and would tell me that because I had taken five minutes longer to do the shopping than he expected I must have been meeting a man.  This was plainly ridiculous as I had three small children and the shopping to carry. I had neither the time, the energy or the inclination to do so.

This emotional abuse went on for 12 years.  In the end something clicked in my head and I couldn't take it any longer.  I plucked up the courage to leave.  I took the children and left. I sued for divorce and got enough money to buy a small flat where we could live in another town twenty miles away.  A new start, in a new town, with a new flat and no emotional abuse day after day.

I am now a much different person and I won’t tolerate emotional abuse from anyone, not from my children, my parents, friends – whoever.  My husband now of 27 years would never emotionally abuse anyone and I am so very happy now.

Looking back I do realise that I allowed this to happen to me.  At the time I didn't realise it, but now I understand. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

So to deal with emotional abuse can be difficult and it can become impossible. If it becomes impossible for you then you have to choose whether you deserve better or not – I think you do.

So what can you do to get out of this place where you are emotionally abused?

• Get some help from a qualified coach or therapist – make sure it is someone who understands what you   are experiencing and can relate to what you are telling them so you can begin your healing process.
• Look online for some blogs that refer to what you are going through. Read them, make comments on them.  Open up a dialogue to help you get some answers.
• Buy a self help book and take some action to change the way you think about yourself.
• Make the decision to not be emotionally abused any longer.

Maggie Currie
Creedence – The real women’s divorce coach

Website:       http://www.creedencetraining.co.uk

Email:           info@creedencetraining.co.uk

Facebook:    https://www.facebook.com/therealwomensdivorcecoach?ref=hl

 Twitter:        https://twitter.com/MaggieCurrie

Having no confidence and seeing no way out

I know how it feels to have no confidence and being unable to see a way out. 

I have been there myself. I hit rock bottom when I had the flu, all the children had chicken pox.  We were all sitting huddled and miserable in the living room, feeling sorry for ourselves.  It was cold and I had just one 50p coin left for the meter.  I thought to myself that I have to do something, and do it very soon or none of us will survive.  Life looked so bleak, I didn't have a job, I didn't have any prospects, I was struggling as a single mum with three small children, there didn't seem to be anything I could do. 

My mind was focused on what I couldn't do, or what I perceived I couldn't do.  This was a step in the right direction, recognising that I was focusing on the wrong things. 

I made a decision there and then to change just one thought.  I changed the thought of not being able to get a job to that of being able to get a job.  

I called my parents on the phone and they brought me a few more coins for the meter.  We all recovered from our illnesses and the very next week I went out whilst the children were at school and got a job.  I got the job of kitchen assistant at the school my children attended.  I cooked and served the school dinners, washed up and started to rebuild my confidence.

Getting a job meant I had money, having money meant being able to feed and clothe the children.  This of course was a huge boost to my confidence.

Read more about me on my website.

Maggie Currie
Creedence – The real women’s divorce coach

Website:       http://www.creedencetraining.co.uk

Email:           info@creedencetraining.co.uk

Facebook:    https://www.facebook.com/therealwomensdivorcecoach?ref=hl

 Twitter:        https://twitter.com/MaggieCurrie

The experience of divorce - my perspective

Going through divorce was one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life. I thought the process would never end and that I would end up with nothing.

Having spent 12 years of my life in a marriage that was not working, where I was emotionally abused, subject to emotional blackmail, controlled and miserable, I could take no more and filed for divorce.

I thought that it would be relatively straight forward. I had good reasons for divorce, I am female, I had three young children.  What on earth could go wrong?

I hadn't accounted for the actions of my husband who would not agree to a divorce, his parents, my parents etc. I was accused of lying, of sleeping around, of being unfit to be a mother. I was threatened by my brother-in-law with a fate worse than death if I carried on with my actions. My parents-in-law didn't want divorce in their family. And so on.

I spent nearly a year living in the same house as my husband, sleeping in separate rooms, living separate lives as I had nowhere to go and no money to go with. I hadn't worked for 8 years as I was bringing up the children.  I couldn't see a way out. I was miserable.

Fortunately I had a good solicitor who helped me to carry on and I persevered. In the end my husband did agree to a divorce and to 'allowing' me to have just enough money to buy a flat. So I looked for one, found it, received the money, bought it and moved in. I took the children and moved into my flat. I was free at last to live my life. The children went to see their father every other weekend. It felt so good to be free and to have my life back.

Maggie Currie
Creedence – The real women’s divorce coach

Website:       http://www.creedencetraining.co.uk

Email:           info@creedencetraining.co.uk

Facebook:    https://www.facebook.com/therealwomensdivorcecoach?ref=hl

 Twitter:        https://twitter.com/MaggieCurrie

Our actions do make a difference

I have been working with a client for the past 6 months and it has been amazing to watch her change and grow as a person.  

I am so pleased that she is so much more aware of her own actions and how she 'reacts' to situations. She now realises it is better to step back and view the situation from the metaphorical distance and respond from her intuition rather than allowing her ego to react.

This is the wonderful testimonial my client gave me:

"The ride has been awesome...the support you gave me while I was driving at the wheel of my life and you were sitting in the passenger seat guiding, encouraging, and supporting me was fantastic and I so appreciate that."

I learned about myself too whilst coaching, as all my clients teach me something new. It is so wonderful to be able to learn and teach and be open to learning more and more. The learning helps me to keep my ego in check and allows me to follow my intuition, and that never lets me down.

I have learned from my clients, my fellow coaches, friends etc., that when we neglect to recycle, speak up, vote or help somebody in immediate need, we deny ourselves the chance to make positive change. 

By holding on to the belief that our actions don’t make much of a difference, we tend to ignore opportunities for involvement. Alternatively, when we see ourselves as important participants in our  ever-evolving world, we feel inspired to contribute our unique perspective and gifts to a situation.

Our actions do make a difference in this world, it is up to us to make sure it is a positive difference.

Maggie Currie

Professional Life Coach and Mentor - Author

Website:             http://www.creedencetraining.co.uk

                          

 Email:                  info@creedencetraining.co.uk